I have Chronic Fatigue, but not Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I'm on a lot of drugs for the illnesses I have. And because of this, I have debiliating fatigue.
This song reminds me of the fight against Chronic Fatigue *yawns*. I’m not yawning because this is a boring topic, I’m yawning because I’m exhausted. And nothing is stopping this fatigue. Nothing….
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is such a weird name for a disease. I mean, seriously…Chronic Fatigue??? No wonder people think the disease is a joke; it’s got a weird name.
Yup, a really weird name.
“Wake up…”
“Why are you always so tired?”
“What the hell? You have Chronic Fatigue too?!”
Those were some of the responses I got from people. I think they are shocked that I have so many things wrong with me. Well…I don’t mean to…it just happens…
“I am the one, who lost control, but in the end I’d be the last man standing.”
It’s true…I DID lose control. I lost control over my mind and body. Suddenly my body thinks it’s tired all the time when it really isn’t. But in the end, all these things have made me stronger.
“I am the one, who sold his soul, forever gone to be the last man standing…”
I started to take interest in God and my religion. If he couldn’t help me, then who could? Then I changed and became a different person. I wasn’t the old, quiet Anne with a boring life. I became a strong warrior of my people.
And I’m stronger.
“Glorious…”
Everything to do with God was good and everything about my religion I loved. I stopped doubting and started believing.
“Noble in my mind.”
Everything I do, I do to inspire other people. I yearn to lead other people to better ways. That’s why I started this blog. I hope to show people that you don’t have to stop living because you have a chronic ailment. The problem is, not everyone believes that. They don’t get help, so they give up. But is that really the right thing to do?
“Everything a fight to win…”
Horrible right? But that’s my life. Every day is a new fight to win. That’s what happens when you battle Lupus, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, and Cyclothymia. Yes, those awful demons…hounding me everyday. But that’s my life.
I’m a strong warrior. I don’t let people fight my battles for me. I do it all on my own.
“Taking all and giving…”
A few people have called me *selfish*. Selfish…no… Giving…yes. People accuse me of wearing my heart on my sleeve, of being too kind.
The fact is…maybe they were being too self-preservative?
“Whatever my pride would let me…”
Inspiring others gives me a good sense of pride. And in the end…I feel so strong and victorious. I no longer fear the fatigue that hounds me wherever I go.
“Not backing down, not giving in, I wouldn’t lose, I couldn’t.”
I CAN’T lose against this monster. And no matter what I will prevail. No one will get in my way. I will be victorious. I’m strong… I’m strong… I’m strong…
“I am the one, who lost control, but in the end I’d be the last man standing.”
Everytime I yell and scream at this monster inside of me it’s to become stronger and harder to detain.
“I am the one, who sold his soul, forever gone to be the last man standing.”
FEAR ME CHRONIC FATIGUE!!!!!!!
“I walk alone with my head held high…”
I always felt that I was dealing with this horrible disease alone. People either thought I was mentally ill, or just sick. No hope, they thought. And they saw me as this poor pathetic person.
But I wasn’t…
My head is held high and no matter what, I will win. I just can’t function with this fatigue. I need caffeine pills.
“Never felt that I belonged…”
I never really belonged. I was weird and still am a little weird. In a lot of the Lupus, Fibro, and CFS groups…I was always the more quirky of the members. All the people wanted to exclude others for saying things they didn’t like.
I was the only good person. I shouldn’t say that…but that happened in a group I was in…a long time ago.
“Stand my ground at all costs, running through life with blindfolds, just for the right-right to be wrong.”
I fought, I screamed, I did whatever I could to win. I was competitive. I thought everything was a race.
“Nothing would rule my world.”
Think of me as some great king. A king of my country, but instead of a country it’s a body. I just ruled and cast out all the toxins, disease, despair and madness that came along in my life. Nothing would beat me, nothing.
The natural order would return…
“Seeing clearer what I’ve done…”
All this fighting has rejuvenated my body. I am thinking of trying caffeine pills to reenergize me. Either that, or diet pills. It’s not the pain anymore that gets me; it’s the fatigue. It never goes and it’s a bracelet I can never take off.
“I’d refuse to let things go.”
I’d NEVER let things go back to the way they were!
“I could never once admit I’m wrong.”
Even though so many people have told me not to take diet pills, I still did it…I did it because I thought it was the only way to rid myself of this demonic fatigue.
“And what do I have to show?”
A healthier body. Doing things my way worked for me. But I don’t know how it would work for other people.
“Seeing clearer what’s at stake.”
If I can’t beat this fatigue I won’t be able to work or graduate. So beating this thing is a must!
“And the things I have to change.”
The things I have to change is the dietary supplements they help with Lupus and Fibro but not with Chronic Fatigue. I may have to be on diet pills for a very long time. Hopefully it won’t do too much damage to me.
“I just hope I can, it’s not to late, to get a chance to end this pain.”
It didn’t take a genius to tell him that she thought he was an idiot. Russell came from a different upbringing than her, obviously. He grew up in an orphanage by the sea. His parents died when he was little.
He was trained to be an agent for a religious organization…but for the most part, he hated his job. He was looking for something different, something that would set him free.
There was something else about her, the way she talked, the way she moved…she wasn’t like the other villagers. She was brighter and more physically adept to move like a normal person.
“What are you staring at?” she asked him. “You are making me uncomfortable.”
He blushed at his awkward stare. “Sorry,” he apologized. “I just was shocked to see a woman like you. You’re not like your other people.”
“Of course not,” she explained. “I’m more educated and well-read. You knew that, right?”
Yes, he knew that but he wasn’t expecting it…not her.
“I guess I’m surprised that…”
“I’m more intelligent than the rest of my people,” she finished the sentence for him. “Don’t deny, you think my people are idiots.”
He was taken aback by that accusation. “No,” he stammered. “I just mean…all the stereotypes we have…you don’t fit into them. I was surprised, that’s all.”
She shook her head. “Yeah right…”
“You don’t believe me?” He ruffled his black hair. His dark eyes were set on the Amazonian beauty in front of him. Russell was attractive, with his square jaw and cream-colored skin. He was a *catch*. But not to that woman…
“I’m sorry,” he apologized… “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I just wanted some information…to make an analysis…by the way…my name is Russell.”
“Charmed,” she answered. “I need to speak with your officials…”
“I’m sorry I can’t help you with that right now.”
“Why not?”
“You’re being chased by a cult that wants to kill you, since when does that translate into idle chatter?”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she muttered. “I just want answers. I want to know why those people tried to kill me!”
He shrugged. “Who knows...people are very strange. There could be a whole list of reasons why they wanted to kill you, and neither of them could be right. You want a clear answer, you ask them yourself.”
She laughed at the ridiculous idea, her green eyes taunted him. “Do you really think you, the rescuer, would throw me, a harmless princess out into the hands of those vile people?”
“Well for a princess you have some great language.”
“I was raised for this day…to meet your people.”
Her accent was more English than anything. She truly was a bright young woman.
They ran down the hallway, trying to avoid making too much noise. Something was wrong; something was very wrong. They were after her; they wanted her, but they weren’t going to get her. She was a beautiful native and possibly the last hope for her kind. He wasn’t going to let them kill her.
“Leanne,” he ordered. “Come with me. We can cut to the street and avoid them entirely.”
They ran down the stairs and out the front door. Thankfully, none of the cult members saw her. He was thankful…she had enough to worry about.
When they had made it to the park he took her by the hand and sat her down. “Okay, tell me about yourself,” he ordered. “What’s your real name?”
“I can’t tell you that,” she explained. “That information is mine and mine alone. Please do not make me tell you things I’m not ready to tell you, or anyone else for that matter.”
He was shocked that that woman was so incredibly bright and knowledgeable. None of the natives were that well-read. But that one, she knew everything.
“I’m Leanne,” she introduced herself. “I am a princess of the Amazon tribe. I come here to negotiate with your government. My people mean you no harm...”
“Well, we’re not all that friendly,” he explained, gesturing to the cult that had tried to kill her.
She nodded sadly. “Yes, I know. What do we do about them?” she was asking about the cult.
Russell looked out the window. There was shouting and angry chatter. The cult was wondering where their *body* went.
“We need to get out of here,” he explained quietly. “They are going to search all the rooms, and if you are found in them they will kill you and the person you are with. And no offense, but I’m not ready to die yet.”
They had attacked her, covering her with red blanket. They didn’t want her to see who they were. He grimaced. Smart choice; she would have been able to easily show who they were.
She muttered something in her native tongue as they tried to shove her off the roof of the building. Then, he jumped halfway out of the window and caught her as she was about to fall.
She was confused when she felt his muscular arms, wrap around her tiny waist.
She yelled at him and bit him. “Ow,” he yelped in pain. “What the hell was that for?”
Then the blanket fell off, and he saw her face. Beautiful was the first word that came to mind. Emerald green eyes, tan skin, and golden brown hair.
“I am sorry,” she apologized. “I thought you were one of them.”
He looked at her in shock. “You can speak English?”
She nodded. “Yes. It took me some time, but I was able to quickly grasp your native tongue.”
She was thrown from a building, like a mere doll. She wasn’t conscious, most likely drugged. She fell like a rock, and sunk into despair. He watched the evil cult grab her body. She was an innocent princess from a long-forgotten tribe. He felt sorry for her; being a native princess and not knowing much English…she was a bumper sticker for ignorance.
The cult hated her because she was the last part of the line. Her family had ruled the amazon for hundreds of years. She was the last child. Her entire family had been murdered.
He watched her walk through the city streets, unaware of those horrible people who were watching her and plotting her doom. She was so innocent and at the same time, so strong. She was quiet, and at the same time…vocal.
She had no clue what was going on…
The man was Russell Circs. He was an agent assigned to protect her. He was a part of a religious group that sought to help the Amazon tribe retain their peace.
The whole world wanted to change them…but his group wanted to save them.
The princess’s name was Leanne. It wasn’t a tribal name, of course…she had been given that name when she assimilated into society. She still wore a long flowing sienna colored dress that came from the tribe.
Quistis shrugged. How was she supposed to answer the question. She never wanted to come home, but how was she going to explain that to Selphie?
“I don’t know,” she answered. “It’s hard to say.”
Selphie sighed with frustration. “I’m not mad at you,” she explained. “But, I miss you…we all do. We just want to know that you are safe. We want you to be happy. We want you to be okay. When you’re so far away from all of us it makes us worried, like we don’t have any control over what happens to you.”
She spoke the truth so plainly, but it still hurt like a knife being shoved into her heart.
“Listen,” she explained. “I am ill; I needed to get away. It wasn’t your fault, don’t blame yourself. It never was. Don’t think that you are the reason that I am not there. Please don’t think that…I love you all so much.”
“But when are you coming home???”
“I have no idea,” she answered. “It could take a week to a year.”
Her cell phone started to ring. She picked up the phone. “Hello,” she answered.
“Quistis,” a female voice answered. “It’s Selphie.”
“Hey selphie,” Quistis smiled. “How are you? I missed you. It’s been lonely here in Winhill.”
“Yeah, I know,” she answered solemnly. “We miss you Quisty. When are you coming home?”
She didn’t have an answer for that. The beast drove her away from everyone she loved. She hated it for that.
She was so tired of being tired all the time. She hated getting weak in the legs from doing a little exercise. It was a mystery to her, this illness.
All she knew was it caused her horrible fatigue. And she wanted it to end. Things were unbearable the way they were. The fatigue, the madness, the avoidance.
No one could have lived life that way. One had to enjoy life to truly live.
She was tired of being treated like a child. There was so much to do and so little time. But why was there so little time? Where did all the time go?
She knew the answer; she spent it sleeping. She couldn’t do much anymore without getting tired. Sitting up, yawning and talking took effort.
She was going to have to face facts: her disease had her.
Not for long, and probably not forever, but the disease did have a hold on her. She was getting tired and tired of fighting each wave of fatigue. Every time she fought those dark and evil shadows, she came out twice as tired as before.
How could that have been?
What was wrong with her?
The old woman had promised to help her and take her to a place to get help. In the meantime, she was sleeping, trying to win against the beast.
